He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
