fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
