FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
