im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
