Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
