Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
