One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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