Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
