The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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