It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
