I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
At least make sure they are 18
Why
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
