I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
