There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
