I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
