Already got asked if we're dating
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
