Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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