her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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