you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
