it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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