90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
