I heard we made out
Your face is a jimmy john
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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