i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
