guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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