Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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