I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Less talking, more tequila
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
