You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
