u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
