I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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