So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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