I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
