remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
