one two three fourrrrnication!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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