I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
