I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
