I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
