I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
