I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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