judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
