Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
