what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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