Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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