my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
