a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
