well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
