if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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