You made me cry and you don't even care
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
