I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
