What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
