I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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