Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
