I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize