so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
