If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
