I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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