He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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