Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
