Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
