Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
