My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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