She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
