i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
