So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I look better un-naked...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
