i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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